by Jeannine Dorrough
You cheated. Now you need to sit and think about what you have done. Reflect on your mistake and figure out what your next move needs to be. Take a long, hard look as to why you decided to be unfaithful. Were you bored? Were you fighting with her? Were you intoxicated? Figure out what it was that drove you to infidelity, and make sure you’re being honest with yourself about it. This is where you learn if you deserve to fix it at all.
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If it came from boredom, or if it’s something you wouldn’t mind doing again, you cannot justifiably try to fix the relationship. Apologize, break things off, and accept that she is not the girl for you. If she were the one, and if you loved her as she deserved, then you would not ever get bored of her. If you were drunk, and you genuinely regret it, you have room for redemption if that is what you want. People are not perfect; we all make mistakes. As long as you recognize your wrongdoings, then you are worthy of forgiveness.
After you have been honest with yourself, it is time to be honest with her. Hiding it will benefit no one. It will only make things worse. She deserves to know, whether you wish to make amends or end things for good. She needs to hear it from you, face to face—no texting, no calling, and no emailing your confession.
When you do finally tell her, do not, in any circumstance, give her an excuse. It will not be welcomed. If anything, it will infuriate her and make things worse. Excuses are a way to ignore your culpability. Own up to your mistakes and admit that there is no excuse. Furthermore, if the thought even crossed your mind to tell her your infidelity as a result of something she did, smack yourself. There is truly no one to blame but yourself.
After you have spilled all of your dreadful beans, it is no longer about you. You are past the confession and now the reins are in her hands. All you can do is be sorry and hope that she can tell how genuine you are. You can ask her how she wants you to proceed, or you can ask if she’s okay, but for the most part, give her time to process.
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If she tells you that she cannot forgive you, you have to accept that. You need to accept whatever repercussions she thinks are acceptable, because she is the one who got hurt. Do not try to force her hand if that repercussion means an end to your relationship. If she is willing to try and mend the damage you caused, don’t be afraid to comfort her and fight for your relationship if that is what your heart tells you to do. Do not try to take the reins from her. The pace at which she heals and recovers is up to her and her only.
Be patient during that process. If she is insecure, comfort her, if she is jealous or angry, comfort her. Do not get angry and impatient, because you have lost the right to do that for a little while. You are the reason that she is insecure; you cannot lose your patience with her. If she is upset or angry with you over something completely unrelated to her insecurities, such as you leaving the toilet seat up a couple of months after you cheated, your patience is not quite as mandatory.
Overall, you just need to make sure you are genuinely sorry for what you did. You also need to be willing to put in the work and the time to make things better. There is always a chance that she can’t forgive you. If you have both been trying for months, and she cannot move past it, you both need to move on. Don’t get sucked into an unendingly toxic relationship. Fortunately, there is always a chance that she will forgive you and things will get fixed. Only time and hard work will tell.